There is a reason I went to the circus which mugged me out of £15.50 from the money I need to survive. His name is Sam. Also known as 'Jesus'. He was as aware as the rest of us what horrifying 'entertainment' (I use the term loosely... Or in fact completely detached) it was.
But still, if you see this guy...
So here's the short version of what happened at the circus. We walked there, and I said 'this better not be shit...'. Understatement of the decade. There was supposed to be a 'story' to it. There were some people doing some fairly impressive but entirely useless things broken up by a pair of cunts... Sorry, I mean clowns. So on every act all you're thinking is 'The clowns are on next, Oh God'. The only bit that really got people clapping and cheering is when the cun..clowns pulled out a sign saying 'Interval' which meant that it was going to stop. :) Then it started again. :( We were there for two hours.
...It's my birthday.
Here is the long version.
The circus started with some guy talking about Russia. For a lot longer than was really necessary. Then there was some absolutely terrible dancing. It was at this time we began to realise where all our money had gone. A paralytic flydmied child could have put more effort into busting some moves. Then they announce the beginning of the show. Facepalm.
Some guy walks on stage and falls over. Nobody laughs. Then holds an auction in which the winner didn't even get what they bought, but rather had to share it with everyone. Most of these items were never seen again. Pointlessness. Then the guy falls over again. Nobody laughs.
Just when we get to the point of questioning why there is a large metal hoop hanging from a chandelier, some girl decides to perform contortions in it while it's swinging. It's freakish. She started playing with extra hoops as well. Fair play. Your mother must be proud.
Now, when we were walking to the circus I said 'There better not be any clowns, they're not funny'. You can almost imagine the excitement on my face when the clowns walked on stage, they fell about a bit. Nobody laughs. Then they left, at which point I took my fingers out of my eye sockets. Sam and Ben occasionally shot glances at me to catch sight of how much I was enjoying myself. Sam knowing full well he was going to die.
There was a small fan at the side of the stage to blow the smoke about a bit. He was one of the best characters. There were some fairly impressive parts that were very drawn out. A couple decided to swing about a bit on some ropes; I assume that's what they do at home instead of sex.
After every act did the slightest of things, the attention seeking whores would walk to the front of the stage and hold out their arms like a crucified Jesus. (Which was a constant reminder that I needed to crucify Jesus (Sam)). People would sit like estranged automatons and give a half hearted clap in compliance. I didn't.
There was a good part though when a brunette walked on stage with very few clothes on. She was with some other girl who I barely looked at, and a guy the same. They stood on a table and span in circles with their roller-skates and waving a flag looking like a buffering symbol. Then the hot girl span more, she must have been dizzy, but I was too far away to take advantage and I'd left my chloroform at home.
The clowns were a constant disappointment. In the interval, Sam apologised to everyone profusely and Ben went to find a knife. I turned very quickly to medication and bouts of self-harm. Some woman came over to me and told me to take my shoes off if I put my feet on the chairs. Then asks me if I'm enjoying the show. Awkward. I said 'it's alright' in a very unimpressed tone. She was shocked and started saying how amazing she thought it was. Probably reminded her of her childhood back in the 1400s, when child abuse, slavery and animal torture were a a popular pass time.
Some guy started doing flips while standing on a pole that was held by some other men. He fucked up and fell. Do your job properly, I paid to be here. Some people came on skipping, which was pretty impressive. But then another one fucked up. Now I admit that I can't do any of these things. But I'm not the one standing on a stage showing all the wonderful things I can do (but fail at) and constantly force praise on myself.
There was one act that I literally had no idea what happened because I was busy watching some pointless girl who stood at the side waving her arm as if to say 'look at this - aren't they great'. I dunno, I wasn't watching them.
Oh my fucking God, the clowns. They got someone up from the audience to do hula hoops with them. She was surprisingly good at hula, and they got her to turn and bend over to the audience. I wasn't complaining. They did some thing where they were climbing up a ladder that wasn't balanced on anything and used it to slide a hat onto someone else. I tend to use my hands. But I hear ladders are all the rage in Russia.
They must have been. Because one man came on the stage with a trampoline, and spent 20 minutes not using it. Instead he repeatedly pretended to fall over and off a ladder. Nobody laughs. For 20 minutes. He then proceeds to stick is face in some girls tits and flirt with her. Her and her boyfriend switched places.
Two people dressed as cowboys began to play with whips (obviously had a better relationship than the roped couple). They whipped with a cracking sound which went on forever and got as irritating as a wet penis in the ear. Then the clowns had to be on stage for longer because as they wheeled a box on stage it got stuck on a cable and it took a guy in a high-vis jacket to sort it out. He then awkwardly stood behind the box for the entire section, unable to move. I lol'd.
More contortions happened. Some girl who could probably give herself oral. I hope her mother is proud of her.
The most moronic part was some guy wanted to get a chair... that was on the ceiling. Who sits on the ceiling? Then he proceeds to make a tower out of chairs to get this chair down. You have loads of chairs, why worry about the other chair? When he got it down everyone fought an broke it. Idiots.
When we were all finished not laughing at the clowns, some guys dressed as absolute colour fiends, (some sort of jester meets Robin Hood's men in tights made of Joseph's technicolour dream-coat), decided to flip around the stage for a bit. Then stood with their arms ready for the YMCA for 2 minutes lapping up praise. Attention! Give me all your attention! I can flip around (and fail a couple of times).
All of them came back for over 6 minutes of lapping up praise in the dismount position while some fat dude was dicking around. ...Just go away!
There were no enslaved animals or bearded ladies and 4 seconds of juggling on a unicycle. When it finished, I stormed out. I got out and had a very wonderful urinate. I got to the bottom of the stairs to see the annoying fat dude and I exclaimed 'Oh God' at him.
We went to McDonalds' afterwards, where I had a Happy Meal. The woman at the counter was the most miserable woman ever. There was no toy. It was a book. What fiendish joke is this?! We walked home pontificating the night's events and suicide. Even my meal was happier than I was.
The worst part about this, is that not only did I waste 2 hours of my life at the circus. I then proceeded to waste another hour writing about it.
Happy Birthday Kyle.
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