Happy Obligated Love Taxing Day.

So, valentines day. I think it's safe that anyone with half a neuron can read the title and realise my line on this. A day where romantic gestures are taken advantage of by shops. And where those same romantic gestures become reversed into meaningless. This is because romance should be special, spontaneous and if anything on Valentine's day is seen as romantic, then the lack of romance for the rest of the year really suggests that your relationship sucks.

I'll spare you all the love philosophies I hold that most would incorrectly reject, such as deceptive frame of mind and active seeking causing a 'settle for 40^th best' relationship. No...

...I would, though, like to point all towards some ridicules things about the entire subject. It is insane. It'd be my pleasure to suggest that you are your own most important person from some evidence from love it's self.

My first piece of evidence demonstrates the blinding to all badness caused by love. The song 'Close to you' by Carpenters clearly states the question: 'Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near?'

Now... Not only is she not freaking out because birds are 'suddenly appearing' about of nowhere right in front of her eyes. She is actually making it sound like a good thing. Like she wants to be with someone who is permanently surrounded by birds. What? Is this some sort of crazy fetish? Living your entire life like a scene from Alfred Hitchcock's horror film 'The Birds'?

Show me on the doll where they touched you...

What she also fails to specify is what the species of bird is... What if they were surrounded by vultures? Or the person you've fallen in love with happens to be 'The Crow'? That seems a little less romantic, doesn't it? Your eyes drift across the room and everything goes in slow motion as you stare at this wonderful person, then through the corner of your rose tinted eyes swoops and albatross to decapitate you.

Materialising birds is not romantic.

Next, my issue with the notion of 'giving someone your heart'. I bet that's why evolution gave us a rib cage? To stop us plunging into our own chest in pursuit of giving another person some blood drenched human offal as your last ever gesture. Though some Goths would probably see that as romantic nobody, who isn't so screwed as to believe the only way they can be liked is by a group of their own sick kind, would find this a horrifying concept.

I'm veering from the point of Valentine's day though – the day where shy kids are allowed to muster up the courage to send a stalky letter to someone they have a crush on. A day where romanticism attempts societal objectification (ooo, big words). What I mean here is that everyone is different. Why has it got to be all the random cheesy crap. 'You are the light in my sky'...yeah? Well then what do you call night? Technically, through most of the winter you dislike this crush of yours. Bad times.

I say we could stick to the Greek Goddess Aphrodite, and have the day also representing free-for-all sex. Where you can approach people with cards saying: 'Would you like to see how stretchy my foreskin is?'.

It's a subjective romance! He thinks that's cool, who's to judge him.. If she rejects, it'd still be a more honest rejection than: 'I'll eat your chocolates, but we're still not dating.'

I think honesty cards would be much more entertaining for almost any holiday. You could have cards such as: 'As long as the person I really like is taken, I'm happy to be with you', Or even 'Y'know, you're not that attractive, but I'd imagine you have a quick refractory period' (correct term for cool-down time).

I for one would be flattered by such a card, and while not much match-making would be going on, at least we could all have a laugh without 50% of the population forcing you to be either romantic or depressively single.

Anyway, love should be all encompassing, rather than repeated:

'I really rather love you, and will decidedly go out of my way to show you the truth of this on occasion. In future, please assume that this has not changed until further notice. Thank you for your time.'