19/11/2014

On The Subject Of Cat-Calling...

An Open Letter To Many Men.

   Dear many men,
   You’re going to have to genuinely believe me when I say that it is almost always significantly more rewarding to be in a woman’s company and not her vagina. If a person of the opposite gender talks to you, smiles at you, laughs at your jokes - it is absolutely fine to accept this as a pleasant human interaction and not a presented opportunity.

   By not learning from people, but rather seeing them only as a chance at temporary base pleasure, you’re engaging in a self-fulfilling prophecy that is hindering and toxic to everyone. If this is so, you will never fully understand that interacting with women in a way that is comfortable, without an intention, is actually awesome and you gain a lot more from that thing.

   Furthermore, if someone isn’t smiling, that is not your business, you have no understanding of their current situation and it is wise to give them space. Also, when someone is wearing something, anything, this is their choice and that is fine. Do not comment unless you are in a situation which deems it appropriate, such as occupying the same interest group, or having briefly met them before, but then be on your merry way - compliments are only compliments without personal gain or intention.

   Whether a person of the opposite gender declines your approach or requests something of you, such as to leave them alone, indulge them. It is only polite and to not heed this warning causes dismay for everyone involved. Them having a boyfriend or an alternative sexual orientation to you is not a part of the current situation, so do not enquire - a reason for the word ‘no’ should never be necessary.

   When you have achieved all of this, do not fret; there are still specific places you can go for casual encounters that involves mutual interest. There will be many opportunities for honest relationships to happen organically (without expectation), as these are also things that many women will want, too, in a less creepy and demoralised way (See: human).

   Congratulations, perhaps in these circumstances you will now achieve a larger amount compatibility, comfortability and most importantly, respect in all aspects of your life. And remember: you are entitled to nothing, respect is earned, and power gives neither of these things.

   Yours sincerely,
   A Man, a person, a friend.

   P.S. Women aren’t exempt from similar negative behaviour, the point of equality is that we should all not be toxic together. Yay!

31/10/2014

Capsule. Or: An Unexpected Camping Trip.

     The site, half-surrounded by metal woven fences, was exactly as it used to be, except for the abundance of 'Do Not Enter' tape covering the gaps. Sign posts with danger warnings had also been erected, which was startling to the three trespassers. It was Amy who voiced her concern first.
     “I don't remember all this bein' here, guys.” She twanged the caution tape. “Since when did this happen?”
     “What gives you the idea I have any faintest clue, Aims?” He shone his torch in her face, making her recoil from the light. “I told you, I've not been here for at least three years, even then I was only passing by!”
     “Chill it out! I mean if you heard any news or whatever - get off the defensive.” She laughed, and Joe gave her a bat on the arm with his torch.
     “Don't take the piss, this is just all a bit strange to me too. It's been here for years, I have no idea why they'd tape it up, now. Maybe just a council thing, a complaint from an old dude.”
     “Really, Joe, just calm down, why you bein' so scared? Lost your sense of adventure or somethin'?” She received another whack from the torch by Joe.
     “I am not scared. You shut your face, now.”
     “Will you two love-birds shut the fuck up.” Natalie finally added to the conversation. “Giving me a God-damn headache. Look, it's just some weak shitty tape. Nothing's happened, we walk through and get a fire going, everything will be right as rain.” Amy and Joe fixed each other with an icy stare, but remained silent. Natalie had already started to walk ahead, lifting the tape and looking back to see if they were following. Amy smiled, nodded and stepped under the tape. Joe paused for a couple of extra seconds.
     “What do you mean love-birds?” he accused and sped after the other two, who had rushed on ahead.
     When they reached their moonlit destination, Joe finally caught up. The space shuttle lay in the field over a single grass-covered panel that would have lifted it vertically in order to point it up at the sky for lift-off. It didn't look much different from a plane with the wings at the back instead of in the middle.
     “Could you two try not to leave m-”
     “I thought you weren't scared, Jodie?” Nat interrupted. She always called him Jodie when she was trying to wind him up. Amy just about managed to stifle her laugh.
     “I know Nat's brother ain't here lookin' after us this time, Joe, it's okay if you're scared. You can just walk back on your own, in the dark, all alone.” She shared a look with Nat.
     “Yeah, Jodie. And remember, no funny shit with the girls tonight if you decide to stay, all vulnerable out here far away from civilisation.” They both looked at Joe as seriously as they could manage, watching his fuse slowly burn.
     “Fuck you guys! Actually fuck the both of you!”
     “No, Jodie, that's what I just said not to do!”
     “Right, screw it, I'm leaving, I'm-” Amy caught him by the arm so he couldn't leave.
     “Oh, we're just windin' you up, silly. Honestly! Get a sense of humour.” Amy said through a few giggles.
     “Oh, I missed you guys so-fucking-much!” Nat smirked at her friends, and then looked up at the abandoned space shuttle, marked with rust; a remnant of the past. It looked just as she remembered, and if anything had changed, it was too dark to tell.

*            *         *

     “How's your bro, Nat? Haven't even spoken to him since that drink he bought me on my twentieth.” Joe asked.
     “Oh, Chris is still a shit.” Nat smiled. “But he's well. Think they moved him again last year, somewhere safer this time, hopefully. Should be getting a phone call on Sunday. I'll let you know.”
      “Cool. I keep forgetting you're sticking around for a while. Welcome back.” They shared a smile. “Didn't Chris tell us about this place, like, why it was here? I used to love his stories, I just never remembered them.” He laughed.
     Amy put on her best impression of Chris she could, lowing her voice and pausing every few words to draw suspense. “...With the American interest in going further into space, however many years ago,” She gestured, with outreached arms, to the sky “Britain would join them. We developed some of our own technology to share with the allies. These shuttles were built to test that...” She paused, pleased with herself. “Or somethin' like that, anyways.”
     “Not a half-bad impression.” Nat smirked. “But yeah, only about three shuttles with that goal in mind were actually launched over here. The rest they took to the US. This shuttle was supposed the be the next launch, but the team were moved a few days before. I'm pretty sure he explained how it had been deactivated, not just abandoned, too. But fucked if I remember.”
     “Hah yeah...” Joe said. “'So no ideas of flying off tonight.' I remember him saying, every time we came. Would be nice to see him again, actually.”
     “I'll tell him you miss him dearly.” Nat laughed. Nobody else spoke for around a minute. The fire's calming growl was nice, it drew her in and her mind wandered.
     “Earth to Nat.” Amy said. This broke her concentration.
     “Yeah, yeah. I'm trying to remember exactly how long ago it all was.” She said, poking down her last batch of wood for a re-fill. “Bloody long time.”
     “I dunno.” Replied Amy “You gettin' all nostalgic on us? Big city life made you forget about us 'til now?”
     “Don't be a fuck-wit! I just wanna figure out the times n' shit. Joe?”
     “Let me think.” He paused, counting on his fingers. “Wait, do you mean when we were last together or when we last camped at the shuttle?”
     “We were last together after my first year of university, which seems like a bloody long time. Four years ago, was it?”
     “Well yeah, you'd have been nineteen, then Amy and I eighteen. So five years before that. Nine years ago. Does seem like a long time when you put it like that...” Joe lost himself in his own thoughts. The firelight faded a little bit, Nat's bag of firewood had run it's course over the couple of hours as they spoke about nothing. Joe, springing back from his daydream, passed her a bottle of cider. It used to be her favourite, though not anymore, but she decided not to say anything, just smile. Amy seemed pleased, though.
     “Cheers, darlin'! So, anyone tellin' any scary stories or somethin' while the fire is alive? What's a camp fire without a scary story?” Amy said and looked at Joe, who looked worried, then Nat in turn.
     “My storytelling is shit, you know it is...” Nat said. “But I did hear this creature story the other day about a tree that eats people. Can't remember what it's called now, but the name translates to 'I-see-you' or some shit. Creepy fucking stuff.” Amy seemed unimpressed.
     “Great, well even if there was a story there, you've sucked the life out of it, ain't ya? Why do-”
     “Um, guys.” Joe cut in. “Can you hear voices?” Amy frowned at him and shook her head.
     “Lame try, dude.”
     “No, seriously I'm not joking. I can hear someone speaking.” Joe said and all three of them listened in silence for a short while.
     “Can't hear shit.” Nat said finally. “Anyway, Aims – I don't think I have any other stories..”
After twenty minutes the fire was almost completely dead, they drank their drinks, took it in turns to pee around the other side of the shuttle, and unscrewed the hatch to go inside.

     It wasn't until their third camping trip to the shuttle, when they were children, that they realised they could get inside. It was bigger than they realised, with rooms in every direction for every purpose. Only Chris was strong enough to open the hatch originally, so when he gave in to their nagging and gave the door a try, they were all very excited about exploring. After they had tired of exploring, they decided to sleep in the cockpit, with all the seats and buttons. What once was wonder, was now awe as Natalie remembered every time they had been here before. The cockpit was clean, which seemed strange as they always used to find their muddy tracks and rubbish from their last trip. However, it had been a long time and they weren't the only people who knew about the shuttle, so she paid it no mind. Each of them sat in their respective seats and continued to talk. Joe slipped into his sleeping bag and sat in his chair, while the girls left theirs on the floor and used their pillows to sit on and warm the seats.
     “We should have brought more food.” Amy started. “I'm getting' hungry again.”
     “Oh, shush,” said Joe “We ate plenty. I brought breakfast, but there's no chance you're starting on it now. You'll get fat.”
     “Maybe I want to be fat!” Amy said with a glare.
     “Oh, you two never stop, do you?” Nat interrupted. “Here, I've got crisps and dip if you want some.” She crunched a few in her mouth to emphasise her point. Amy got up and went over to sit on the arm of Nat's chair and grabbed a stuffed hand from the packet.
     “Thanks, Nat. Best flavour, too! Mmm.” She continued to oversell her enjoyment of the food, quickly glancing back to frown at Joe. Nat started to explain her unhealthy diet from when she was away from home.
     “Umm, guys.” Joe said. “Something's not right.” Though neither of the girls paid him attention. “Guys, we're moving!” He said a bit louder but they continued to ignore him. “Can you not feel that?” Joe shouted above the girls' chatter and the rumble of the raising platform forced them to pay attention. They both stood up and froze in confusion. Amy began sliding to the back of the room, followed by a sleeping bag and two pillows, and after a few more degrees, Natalie.
     “What the fuck is happening?” Nat shouted. “No, seriously, what the actual fuck?”
     Joe slid out of his sleeping bag and jumped down onto the wall, which was now the floor, to join the others. “I don't know, but I really don't like it. Are we taking off? I think we should get out of here.”
     “Obviously we should fucking get out of here, Joe!” Nat replied, but Joe had already started down the rungs which were previously on the floor. Nat followed closely after and realised that Amy was too busy hyperventilating to think for herself, so she grabbed her by the arm until she followed down the ladder.
     Sixty seconds 'til lift off...
     The stoic female voice sent a wave through the ship and a shiver down Nat's spine. She looked below at the ladder to find that Joe hadn't slowed down for them and was already stepping onto the path to the outer hatch.
     Fifty seconds 'til lift off...
     Nat finally made it down to the corridor and saw Joe struggling to twist the wheel on the door. She started towards him, but Amy pushed ahead of her.
     Forty seconds 'til lift off...
     “Get us out! Open the door! Open the door!” Amy barely stopped herself before reaching Joe and grabbed a hold of the wheel alongside him. Pulling with both their strength they couldn't manage to undo it.
     Thirty seconds 'til lit off...
     Walking up just behind the two yanking at the wheel, Nat pressed a glowing green button labelled 'Decompression.' A loud hiss could be heard and the door wheel gave way so fast both Amy and Joe fell.
     Compression compromised, lift off shutting down...
     A brief wave of relief sighed through all three of them, before they realised their next problem. With the door opened, Nat joined the other two in peering down the one-hundred and fifty foot drop to the ground. Further, including the pit where the panel, which was now the only thing holding them up, used to be.
     “Heh, so this thing works.” Nat said after a twenty-ish second silence.
     “How are you so damn calm?” Yelled Joe.
     “I'm bloody not, Aims, I'm just good at dealing with the panic. Anyway, I assume there's a button that puts us back on the floor. Let's go find the shit.”
     “Okay,” Said Joe “Lead the way, then, smart-arse.”
     Minutes went by of the three searching for the right button in the cockpit – or indeed searching for anything that might help. Using the chairs and other various things around the room they had to climb up to where everything was. Amy jumped from one of the back chairs and grabbed onto a handle on the side of the room, which flipped open, dropped her with it, sending papers and packages flying across the room. Amy sat, dazed, in a heap of things. Joe picked up and examined a first aid kit, and Nat picked up a fan-folded paper that looked like a drawing.
     “Well fuck, this might be useful.” She lifted up her page showing the others a full sized map of the shuttle, with all the rooms.
     “Nice find, even if it did cost me a bruise on my arse.” Amy mused. “Maybe there's a manual on the control thingy. Showin' how to set us down, or somethin'.”
     “Shh!” Joe interrupted, for the second time that evening. “I hear talking, do you hear talking?” They all listened, Nat heard a couple of taps on the ladder outside, but they were faint so she dismissed them. There was nobody else on the shuttle with them.
     “Probably something falling, we are the wrong way up and shit.” Nat shrugged and carried on searching.
     “How do you reckon it started anyway, I didn't press anything.” Joe said, almost defensively. Amy frowned.
     “Mhmm, sure. I bet it was you, pressed the big red button or somethin'.”
     “To save another fucking spat,” Nat interrupted. “Let's assume remote access.”
     “Well that would be much worse.” Said Joe. “That would mean someone is actually trying to launch the ship.”
     Compression achieved.
     All three of the young adults froze.
     Sixty seconds 'til lift off...
     They scurried and yanked at the door on the floor. Amy got there first, started pulling it from the wrong way in panic.
     “Oh God, oh God!” Joe started chanting. “I hate time limits...”
     Fifty seconds 'til lift off...
     “Give it the fucker here.” Nat pushed Amy out of the way and tried the door herself. It was locked after all, not just Amy's fault. She searched for a way to unlock the door without much success.
     Forty seconds 'til lift off...
     Thirty seconds 'til lift off...
     Nat finally managed to find a button on an outer wall by a bunch of messy papers, clearly titled 'Lock'. Amy must have knocked it when she fell from the cabinet-of-many-things. She took a moment to appreciate that all the buttons were labelled pretty clearly on the walls. But not the one they needed fifty seconds ago.
     Twenty seconds 'til lift off...
     They raced down the ladder, running to try to open the hatch, again and stop the lift off.
     Ten seconds 'til lift off...
     When Nat reached the corridor she looked just in time to see that as Amy, who had reached the button first, was about to press the green button, it turned red. 9 She pushed it. 8 It did nothing. 7 She pushed it again, 6 and again, and again 5 in stunned silence. 4, 3, 2 Joe looked around at Nat with the widest she had ever seen eyes stretch.
     Lift off...
     The three of them were held fast to the wall in the centrifuge. The rumbling shook Nat's skull to painful levels and she felt intensely sick. She was pretty sure she heard Joe try to speak but the rumbling overwhelmed him. She felt a jolt as the giant fuel tank on the other side of the lifting plate detached itself, having used all it's fuel to push higher into the atmosphere. Before long everything went fuzzy, then it was hard to think, and then there was only blackness.

                                                            *             *           *

     When Natalie woke, she was floating.

     Her vision was blurry and her insides felt strange. There was a distinct smell of vomit. She regained her composure and wriggled around the space ungracefully. She had not trained for this. It wasn't so apparent to her until now how much everything was just that dull grey metal of typical space colours. Why weren't astronauts more invested in some nice scenery, she thought. A few greens would be nice around here. The quiet made itself known, and Natalie felt almost calm, even relaxed. Amy broke her concentration with a groan as she came to. Nat hadn't even noticed her until now and she focused – trying to understand what was happening. She was in space, Amy was here but Joe was not. She shook Amy by the shoulder and motioned for her to follow. The shuffling through space didn't take long to get sort of used to, though they both were a little clumsy. They propelled themselves towards the cockpit using the rungs of the ladder, creating deeply echoed taps through to the other end of the shuttle. The back of the shuttle was eerily dark. Not deep-space blackness, but that artificial darkness accompanying a night-time power cut. She opened the door to the cockpit and pushed herself through. Joe was inside, reading one of the papers scattering the airspace around the room.
     “Where was that map, Nat? The one you had before?”
     “Fuck-sake Joe, how long have you been in here? You seem pretty fucking cosy.” Nat replied. Amy was staring out one of the windows.
     “Oh wow, oh wow, oh wow. Guys, we're actually in space! Floatin' around... in space!” She squeaked in excitement, Nat scarce thought she'd seen Amy this excited before.
     “Am I the only one here who understands the shit-storm we're in right now? Y'know, fearing for my fucking life?”
     Joe looked up from his page. “Trust me, when I say I'm more scared than you are, Nat. But you were the one talking about dealing with the panic. Anger isn't helping me look for this page, is it!”
     “No, Jodie, it isn't! But neither will passive-damn-aggression.
     “You ain't understandin' this, are you guys? We're in spaaaaace!” Amy pitched in, they both looked at her with fury. “Jesus, can we not enjoy this for a little bit? Who gets a chance to go into space?”
     “I'd have loved to go into space with you, Amy.” Nat said. “But not a fucking one-way trip.” Amy looked a bit stunned and went back to the window. Joe held up his hand.
     “Look, I fully understand you're a bit unhappy, Nat. But Amy doesn't deserve this and it's really not helping. We could at least find a way out... I can't do this on my own.” Nat took a few breaths before replying. “Please?” He added.
     “Right, okay. I stuffed the map in my pocket, it's here.” She felt around her pockets and found nothing. “Shit, I must have dropped it.”
     “Probably the zero-gees!” Amy said. Nat nodded and swam her way back to the corridor, to find when she dropped it.

     With Amy and Nat both looking away, Joe took the moment to try and calm himself a little and put his hands over his face. A single tear escaped and floated upwards. When he opened his eyes, he saw the globule and caught it, Amy saw the whole thing.
     “You're tryin' too hard to be tough, dude. You don't have to, we're all friends here.” Amy smiled, and Joe faked a smile back.
     “I know, I just figured one of us would have to take control, you know?”
     “Then just let Nat do it. And stop pretendin' you're any kind o' leader. We all know she thrives on bossing others.”
     “...yeah.” He said, and let out a single genuine laugh. Natalie slid through the door and Joe held her gaze. “About thirty seconds.”
     “What?” Nat asked.
     “Before you two came in, I was only here for about thirty seconds. I was hardly planning a wedding.”
     “Oh, al'right. Point noted. I have the map here, anyway.”
     “Good, can you read it? It's difficult to focus on something when my hands are shaking like a Richter nine.” Nat hesitated for a second before swallowing hard and gave a sharp nod.

     “Okay, so it seems pretty straight forward from here. We're at the nose, up this way.” Nat, held the print up and pointed. “The corridor goes down the middle of the shuttle. The rooms branch off. Here, we have bedrooms. Here are bathrooms.”
     “Fantastic, I could use the bathroom.”
     “Shush, Amy, I'm speaking. Besides, you don't even know how to pee without gravity.” This stopped Amy in her thoughts, Nat could see her trying to figure it out. “Anyway... Here we have an infirmary, where I assume they also keep the space suits, as I saw on a film once. Here is a kitchen. I have no idea what this empty space is. But if I can remember from nine or ten years ago, that's probably a leisure room, or something. At the back here we have a fuck-off big area for storage and astronaut shit. Here is our point of interest, though, lady and lord. This room here, in this little bit of writing, claims to have an escape capsule.” Both Amy and Joe's eyes lit up at the sound of that. “So. We have three options. We try to find a radio, to call for help. We use the escape capsule to get back to Earth. Or we could hope there is some kind of auto pilot that will take us down as we are. As we do not know if any of these will work, let's just do all fucking three.”
     “Okay,” said Amy “I guess I can go lookin' for the escape pod.” Joe turned toward the controls and started looking at each little gadget.
     “Right, and I'll look for a radio. Can't be too hard.”
     “Which leaves me rummaging through the fucking paperwork. Thanks, guys.” Said Nat, who immediately caught a couple of pages floating about and tried to make a pile. Amy pushed her way to the door of the main cabin and stared down the lone and increasingly dark corridor. She paused for a long while before she said anything.
     “Yeah, I'm not going down there without a light switch.” She said. Nat laughed.
     “I doubt there'll just be a flicky switch on the wall, but most of the shit around is labelled.”
     “But what if it's not here? I ain't goin' out there on my lonesome!” Amy closed the door again and crossed her arms so violently, she began to front-flip on the spot. She grabbed something to stabilise herself. Nat laughed at her again.
     “Honestly, we're here alone – I don't know what you're scared of.”
     “Well,” Joe chipped in. “How do you know? Maybe there's a team of people running it from the back.” He shrugged. Nat rolled her eyes.
     “Like fuck is there! They'd need to use this room, or they'd have at least heard us talking or some other shit. It was either an accident or the rocket was launched remotely.”
     “Whatever, Nat. I can't see any radio here. So I'll go with you, Amy, and we can find some lights and the rest.”
     “Thankin' you, Joe.” Amy opened the door again, and slowly used the wall to scale further down. Joe caught up and braced himself alongside her against the other wall and Nat saw them fade further into the black. A sudden sense of dread befell her.
     “Wait, hold the fuck up! Don't leave me on my own!” Nat grabbed the ladder and used it to speed up behind the other two. Who were laughing at her.
     “I thought you weren't scared.” They said in unison, and looked at each other in confusion.
     “Oh, shut-up. Trying to use auto-pilot is a stupid idea anyway, none of us know anything about this shit.”
     “Well that's why the research was your job. But fair point.” Said Joe
     “Look, let's just stick together, al'right?” Nat said. Amy nodded and grabbed Nat by the arm. They carried on down the corridor, Joe used his torch when it started to get a bit too dark. They looked in at the bedrooms and kitchen, which were pitch black. Amy stopped in the bathroom and it took her almost fifteen minutes to figure out how it worked, meanwhile Joe went back to finish off the crisps and dip. When they regrouped, they seemed in fairly decent spirits until it caught Nat's attention that one of the lights was on in one of the doors down the corridor. Joe turned his torch off and they swam each other to the window and looked inside.
     A man wearing large headphones with a microphone stared stunned back at the three people in the shuttle. All three of whom were speechless. His face through the small porthole window began to shrink after a huge crack sounded from inside the door. The escape capsule drifted slowly away from them. Before long, the entire pod was in full view and all four people involved simply remained dumbfounded. The capsule could easily have fit seven or eight people, though it carried only one passenger who's lips began to move. He was shouting something, but only silence could be heard.
     “So, that was our escape?” Amy said, finally. Joe was too busy hyperventilating to answer and neither Amy or Joe noticed the tears drip out of Natalie. Her heart was a sunken ship wreck, and she was going to drown. It was Amy that started moving toward the cockpit, dragging Joe behind her. Nat couldn't bring herself to move from her spot, so she remained slumped – deflated by the apparent inevitable.
     “Fuck” She shouted, turned, and slammed her fist on the door behind her, which pushed open. Crackling speech filled the solemn quiet of the corridor, causing Joe and Amy to turn back as quick as they could.
     “The radio?” Nat sniffed. Amy pushed in front of her inside the room and Joe got out his torch, having calmed down somewhat in the face of help. When they entered, the lights turned on automatically. The room was filled with a station board, computers, comm. units and microphones. It was the room that Nat wasn't sure of on the map, which turned out to be where the radios were. So perhaps their chances were a tiny amount higher than fucked.
     “Can you... me. Who... Ah, damn... Need....” The radio failed to stay on for long. It was Amy who picked up a microphone closest to where the sound was coming out and spoke back. The man kept talking, breaking up, but sounded as if he did hear something back.
     “Wait, I'll... and... should, fix...” the voice continued until eventually it cleared and a slick stream vented through the room. “Can you hear me? Am I coming through?” Nat pushed Amy out of the way and grabbed the microphone.
     “Yes! Yes, we can hear you. What the fuck is going on?”
     “Smooth, Nat.” Joe added.
     “I don't know how you got in there, but you really weren't supposed to be.” The voice replied. “Listen, I can't be giving you all the deets, but I can tell you, to be sure, you need to get off that shuttle.” Nat frowned.
     “That's not helpful, you shit! Bring the capsule back!”
     “No can do, I'm afraid. I've been pushed into orbit. The shuttle is low flying, so slowly in about two days I'll get low enough, with enough speed, to break the atmos; no return trips. Thing is, I don't know much about that shuttle, I wasn't the one who reactivated it, I was just assurance to see it off. It was meant to look like an accident.” There was regret in the man's voice.
     “What was? What was an accident? Tell us everything you know, it might help us escape.” Nat showed no intention of lowering her voice. The pause at the other end was long.
     “I'm sorry. To be sure, I am.” He eventually said, slowly and carefully. “But it's worth more than your lives. I can't tell you anything.” This took a few seconds to fully sink in.
     “You.. Fucking... Wh-” Joe snatched the microphone away from Nat before she could continue.
     “Look,” He said. “I'm sorry for my friend, but I'm getting pretty sick of floating about, here. What are our chances of getting off this shuttle?” The man took a few seconds to respond.
     “Slim. I don't wanna lose you all hopes or nothin', but you were in the worst place at the worst possible time. I know the radio ain't connected up to Earth, but who knows what else is there? If you do find a way back, make sure nothing comes back with you, capiche? And, eh, don't tell anyone about this, or I can't ensure your lucky lives will last. Anyway, good luck.”
     “Wait, what?” When there was no response, Joe repeated himself. “Who are you? What do you mean? Please, don't just leave us!” The radio was dead.
     “What a prick!” Nat shouted and hit the desk. She noted that Amy was being particularly reserved, and went over to give her a hug. They both needed it. Joe held his head in his hands. The persistent darkness outside the room didn't help matters, the ship was just smatterings of grey through an abundance of blackness. Joe hadn't given up, however, he looked in each of the other rooms with his torch while the others simply followed – having no ideas of what else to do. Though Nat wasn't sure what Joe was looking for, she still held an element of hope that they could find something.

                                                              *           *           *

     It was inside the storage room that 'something' was found. The room was a vast expanse filled with crates and tubes and basic storage equipment. In the middle of the room laid a cylindrical container with mist pouring out of the sides, it was the only thing that caused any motion in the room, so it was hard for them to not keep returning their gaze towards it. Though after searching around the room for something, anything, Joe found a few canisters that seemed like they were used the hold samples of rocks or things.
     “Hey guys, I'm pretty sure I saw one of the paper thingies about these – they're used for samples to send back to Earth without returning, which means there's a chute or something to send them.”
     “Interesting,” Nat said, “So what? We can send our death letters back to earth? How fucking optimistic.”
     “What's in there?” Amy interrupted, pointing at what seemed like a handle to a wardrobe behind the sample canisters clipped to the wall. She made her way over, helping Joe move everything out of the way and opened it up. And it could have been their ticket home, all three of them thought it. Joe spoke first.
     “You take the piss all you want, Nat. But we could always try sending ourselves home.” Behind the doors were a set of six capsules, just like the sample canisters, but much larger. Potentially large enough to fit a human or two inside.
     “I'm pretty sure that's not safe, we'd suffocate in one of those.” Amy said.
     “Not if we had a supply of oxygen,” Joe begun. “Besides, you heard the guy say we're in low orbit, if we pushed straight down, we might be able to break the atmosphere sooner. It'll likely have a tracker and parachute for when we get close.”
     “Fantastic, but that doesn't explain how we're randomly gettin' oxygen, Joe.”
     “Space suits.” Nat said, half to herself. When she realised the two were staring at her, she explained. “It might be a bit of a squeeze, but space suits are designed to regulate and time your oxygen, I think, anyway. Shit, we could probably fit a couple of bonus tanks in the capsule if we go alone.” She didn't like that last part, speeding through space alone wasn't an inviting concept. Though it could be their only way home. She also knew Joe would get quite claustrophobic, he hesitated before he spoke.
     “It's worth a try. Help me carry three of these out, then.” They carried the first one out towards the room where the escape capsule was released, then a second. The work was awkward and clumsy, as while the objects weren't heavy in the zero gravity, they were still big and fairly hard to navigate by three amateurs.
     On the third capsule, Amy got nudged back by the tail end and fell into a few of the smaller canisters, now free-floating, and sent them spinning across the room. One of the canisters hit a clip on the side of the smoking pot on the floor and it flipped open. All three looked at it. The lid gently rose without any resistance and what fell up out of it looked like a ball of darkness. The ball rose into the centre of the room and neither of the three could quite understand what it was, it seemed otherworldly, as if made of non-human materials. Before Nat could second-guess that she saw it twitch, a singular fat tentacle-thing folded out of the mass, followed by another and another. There were nine tentacles in total, before what was previously was a ball was now an unnatural starfish. None of them said anything, but when Joe decided to shine his torch on the blackness-material object, it shimmered, almost metallic.
     When it moved, Amy jumped. It's chubby extremities pulsed inward to spindly ones and back, it's mass stretched a couple of times and it started writhing, flailing in the lack of gravity. It seemed like it couldn't get any control. The three could not take their eyes off of it, and eventually it stopped flinging it's limbs about wildly and executed a perfect spin, stopping and spreading out like a child-drawn sun. Only, without the light. It started to drift towards Joe, who, when it was close enough, ducked out of the way and left it drifting onto the wall. It stuck to the wall with an unknown grip.
     “I'm going to guess that nobody else has any idea what the hell that thing is?” Amy asked, but didn't expect an answer. Seeing it closer up, it was a few feet across, just over half the height of Nat, in all directions. When it was stuck to the wall, it's middle swelled, making it like a dome. Joe shined the light directly onto it, and she saw that it was moving, like it was covered in tiny cilia that really grossed her out. She hated it. It reacted to the long exposure to the torch, shrunk and started moving towards the source. This time it was fast. Really fast. Amy let out a gasp, and when Joe wasn't quick enough, it wrapped a spindly limb around his leg. He cried out as if in pain, and Amy screamed. Nat did all she could she could think to do, which was to shove the large capsule towards it, in the hope to knock it off. Before she could, it already started at Amy, drawn to the noise.
     The crawling mass stopped short of reaching Amy and, instead, seemed distracted by the open door. It slowed down significantly, resuming it's sun-like form and drifted in that direction as it if had no interest in the other three life-forms in the room at all. Joe came to his senses.
     “We can't let that thing out of here!” He said, clutching his shin which had burn marks in place of missing clothing. Nat thought quickly. There was a smaller capsule floating just by the side of her, so she sent it flying towards the door, knocking it just enough to leave a half-inch gap.
     “Not with us inside!” Screeched Amy, who was separated from the other two by the thing. From outside of their view, however, Joe had already managed to pull the freezer chamber it emerged from off of the ground and was hurdling towards it, presumably in an attempt to catch it. The thing, without any warning, stopped exactly as it was. As Joe got closer, it started expanding, fanning it's self out thinner, like a net. It was going to catch a twenty-something male, and successfully. It wrapped around to form a hollow husk around Joe, who couldn't stop himself in time, and it started closing in. In the gaps between the tentacles, Nat was certain she was about to see her friend die.
     He punched his hand out, and pulled it back just as swift, as if touching something burning, and in doing so, he pushed the container. The cold rim touched the creature, forcing it to retract. It reacted violently, thrashing out, soundlessly. But by the time it started to grow again, the three had already raced to the door and shut it inside. It pressed itself up flat against the little window of the door. From the outside, it just looked like a lightless room. Though if you looked closely enough, you would see the oddly oily shimmer of a thousand maggoty cilia. Nat shuddered, Joe had severe burns on his hand and leg and Amy just stared at the porthole window. After a fair few seconds of shock, a sound knocked them into action. A feint hissing sound.
     “Is it... burnin' through the door?”Amy asked.
     “I don't want to wait to find out.” Joe replied, and what followed took just under an hour to prepare. Nat went to the infirmary, to confirm she was correct in assuming it was where the space suits were. She got them all out, found ones that would kind-of-fit all three, packed the extra oxygen tanks and figured out how they worked so that she could show the others. Joe went up to the main cabin to find out exactly how the capsules worked. They only had two, so it was important to figure out if it were possible to do. Amy mainly stayed in the communications room and occasionally checked on the 'alien' to make sure it hadn't melted out from storage. What turned out to be fifty three minutes and a hissing door later, they were ready. Time was tight, so they had to decide.
     “The bad news,” Joe began. “Is that the switch has to be pressed from the outside first with one capsule at the front of the launcher. That means two people in the first one, and someone on their own.”
     “I'll do it,” Said Nat without hesitation. “I'll be fine.” Joe wasn't about to question her, she knew he would prefer to be with someone else considering he would get claustrophobic anyway.
     “Okay. The good news is the second one will follow afterwards on a timer, giving you time to get in and ready before.” They all nodded at this, and Nat prepared the capsules. Amy got inside first, suited up, with two bonus oxygen tanks and slid down, what now seemed like, the missile. After Amy was secure, Joe got in, lining up his face with the thick window hatch, which Nat left open from the outside.
     “Remember, you each have eight-ish hours of oxygen in there. I don't know how long this will take, or if we will make it.” She looked over at the more imminent threat in the storage room. “But it's a damn sight better than staying here. Even when your oxygen runs low, stay calm. Fucking calm. You'll make it eventually.” And with that, Joe nodded. Nat pressed a few buttons and gave herself a one and a half minute timer afterwards. Amy and Joe were slid forwards and then they were gone. Nat took one last peer at the blackness behind the door, and secured her helmet, stuffed the oxygen tanks below her and got in, closing the lid behind her. She too, left open the little hatch, so that she could see outside. It scared her to think about seeing so much space, but it was vital to know if she was going to hit the atmosphere or not. She couldn't help but think how little room she had to manage her oxygen tanks, she was trapped fairly tight. She was tensing all of her muscles and the next thing she felt was herself drop. She had been been launched.

                                                                *        *        *

     After a few hours, space was surprisingly peaceful. She figured out she needed to use her feet to drag up the oxygen tanks, but she could just about manage it. She had no concept of how far away she was from Earth or if she would even make it in time. It seemed very likely, given the speeds of things, and quick assumptions in her head.

     All she could see out of the window, between her condensing breaths on her helmet, was the infinite darkness of space, scattered with a handful of stars. It was during what she thought was the third hour, when her capsule span in view of a large satellite. In the unhindered view of the structure, she spotted a single fat tentacle pressed against the window.

20/10/2014

Experimental High Intensity Flash Horror

    Have you ever cowered into a corner? I mean really cowered. Not because, when you were young, your dad was looking for you and you were scared of punishment. Not because someone is going to hurt you and you fling your arms up over you head in the hope that it all goes away. Not even because you're fearing for your life, that whatever you are trying to hide from in the dead end corner for is probably going to kill you. No. That's not what it's like to truly cower to the point of insanity. Your whole body shakes so uncontrollably and your hyperventilating breath makes too much noise for you to be comfortable with in hiding – but you just can't stop. Fear rides through you of not death, but of what happens in the prolonged time before. Something that is so careless towards you, you long for a bullet in the head to make it all go away quickly.

     True fear arises in your quivering state when you just don't know why. Or how. Or if it'll even find you. Fear drives from the centre of your uncertainty and waits in anticipation of a horror, so gruesome that it might never end quickly enough. Whimpering noises you didn't think you could make creep out of you and fear bursts into understanding. You understand fear and nothing else matters. Your muscles ache from repetitive vibrations, but you cannot feel it. Your face pulls expressions you didn't know existed, but you don't notice them. Your throat and lungs try to suffocate you, but that seems sweet compared to the flittering possibility riddling the back of your mind. The only thing stopping you from ending it yourself, is the pathetically inquisitive knowledge that you'll never know what you're even hiding from.

26/09/2014

Settling In...

Hello and welcome to the excuses post.

The main reason I am writing here is to make a promise to other people that content will be created soon as a motivation to make that content, because I won't stick to my own thing, but I will stick to what people hold me to. Or something like that.

So basically, after leaving uni a couple of months ago, I mulled about finishing stuff that I had put off for my uni work, I said goodbye to a lot of good friends who I will not be seeing in the near future and I am re-setting myself up at home (though my clothes are still in the suitcase, I haven't really integrated my bedroom even now.)

Also looking for jobs and looking for the friends that I used to have, of which I've not been able to keep in touch with very many, but there's plenty of time as I will be home (Cornwall) for a few years at least.

That being said, job hunting is difficult, mostly because my skill-set is limited and I'm being far too picky with what I'm looking for, but also there aren't many jobs going around in Cornwall. I did bump into a perfect job today, teaching after-school writing classes, but for some reason they require you to drive, even though the job is local. So I'm going to apply anyway, but that is incredibly lame.

With this 'sorting myself out' business I have neglected doing certain things that I have every intention and desire to do (writing and videos), and I'm being annoyed at myself for having put it off so long. So as a resolve to this, I am going to alternate days between 'leisure and creativity' as of this Monday. The idea being that every other day, I shall not use the PC which I have all my games and music and stuff, and only use my laptop which has been carefully left for word processing, web browsing and basic admin / literary stuff. That should force me to work on those days, even if the work sucks, to try to remind me that it is okay!

I would like to thank my lovely parents for buying me said work laptop for my graduation at university, as it will come in very handy. I shall be using it to post some blog posts more frequently, as these help to spark my desire to write other things.

So aside from the little stuff, I'm expecting to get some decent content to trickle out starting from around Halloween time. So look forward to that, if you care, which I'm assuming you do as you've already read this far down and incredibly boring and nut shelled post from a person with a terrible track record for consistent work.

Thank you and,
Ciao for now!

13/07/2014

My Undergraduate Dissertation

     Hello,

     Seeing as I have finished my degree and my graduation is in one week, I figure I should post my dissertation up online so that it is definitely backed up. This is because I completely forgot to get it printed in book form after I got the grade back, so while I still might do that - I'm posting it here in case something goes wrong with my PC and I lose it forever.

     So seeing as it is here, if anyone were to desire to read it, be my guest. It's not as heavy or long as it looks or as you might think, because believe it or not, I'm not that bad of a writer. It's kind of my area. So if you want to read it, you can at the below link. If you don't, then don't. It's not a problem, it's more here for me - so don't feel you ought to be interested.

      Oh, if you're wondering what it's about, it is using a certain guy's book to try to disprove a moral distinction in language because facts and values. Which sounds more complicated than it is. Essentially, it is about morality, motivations and the ways we use language. There's lots of examples and a few jokes throughout, so it's pretty easy to handle. If that sounds like something that might interest you, then here:

Does John Austin Play Old Harry With The Fact / Value Distinction: An Investigation Into The Moral Motivations Of Language

10/07/2014

Inadvertent Ominous Poem

So as a strange post today, I accidentally wrote a poem.

Which is not something that often happens.

Basically, I was writing down some ominous phrases to use for a much larger project I am currently working on, and I couldn't decide what kind of thing to go for, so I wrote down, all in capitals, a few sentences in a list. I left them for a few days to mull over and when I went back to them, I opened my book at the page and read through them only to find that they somewhat made sense in order and some even rhymed.

So, I've written them down as a poem and are unlikely to now use any of these in the larger project - but whatevs, it's kinda fun.

You can read the inadvertent ominous poem here:

19/06/2014

Something In The Wall

Hello, friends and fans alike, I have written a new story - which I haven't done for too long. So I hope you enjoy it. I would like to mention that this was written for a couple of friends, so I did need to keep it short, but the most important thing is that with these said friends (Chris and Woody), we are going to be working on making this into a video. However, it will not be ready for a long while, so for now, you'll have to be content with the reading. Heh, well... here you go:


--------------------------------------------------
Something In the Wall
    The first couple of weeks in a new house, you have to get accustomed to so many things. Little differences that scatter your day, jarring you from a certain status quo. As I eased my way around the fresh house that day, I made a point of taking note of the little things that stood out. My partner was away on business for another two weeks, leaving me to learn the ins and outs on my own, which was fine by me – I relished the personal time. Without too many new furnishings decided upon, the place was sparse. Naturally, I spent a good twenty minutes dancing around the free space, in a way only I could. It helps to get to know the place.
     There are other things than just the décor to get used to though. The speed of the taps, for example, or the springiness of a new bed. The general feel of the place; the atmosphere of the way the sun shines during the day, and the specific noises in the night. Especially the noises in the night.
     It had been a long day moving a load of stuff, so I decided to have an early bed time, around nine thirty, and it wasn't until around eleven that night when I was woken. A banging and a struggle sounding from downstairs that felt utterly frantic. It was accompanied by some kind of raised voice and I figured it was just my luck for next door to have a domestic, and ruin my first special sleep in the new place. It continued for a fair while, but I managed to drift off again – although I'd barely woken up at all – and slept through the night.
     I woke, startled as to where I was, naturally. Then followed that first proper breath of fresh air that felt like the joy of a new beginning, a fresh start to a long and happy next part of my life. It wasn't until around midday I thought about those strange sounds I had heard from my bed, and then it came to my attention that I did not even have neighbours. When I remembered that the place was detached, a shiver ran up my spine. I really didn't want to disturb my partner on business, so I just left a message instead. Though, it was just one time, so I forgot about the odd noises until later that night.
     It was around eleven when I heard the first thud. I was walking through the living room and a dull boom engulfed the silent space, definitely coming from the wall. I stepped closer to examine the wall, and it happened again, a stirring feeling built up inside of me. I knocked on the wall, not sure whether I'd be happy or not to hear the scattering of rats, then the thing in the wall screamed at me. A muffled screaming of someone with their mouth clamped shut burst from the wall accompanied by the urgent thudding, as if whatever was inside wanted to get out.
     Adrenaline was the only thing that carried me out of my house, hyperventilating and totally not in control of myself. After an hour, having calmed somewhat, and no replies on my phone, I realised that I would need to go back into the house. If I could just sleep through the night and sort it out in the morning, though I don't know what I could do. Needless to say, I didn't get any sleep through either the adrenaline, or periodic screams of someone trapped, and eventually I couldn't take it any more. I got up at around three in the morning, sought out a claw hammer that I had only unpacked that day, and readied myself for the wall to wail again.
     The second I heard the thing in the wall scream, I screamed with it in retaliation. I wrenched my arms back and struck a small chip into the plaster wall with my hammer. It wasn't enough. I smashed the same spot again and again until there was a visible hole, and the screaming stopped. An eerie nothing embraced the room, I approached the hole, no larger than a once folded post-it note, and cautiously looked inside. The room's light didn't give much illumination, so I grabbed a torch. Flashing the light inside, everything was still. Cracked lips smiled at me. I panicked and fell and everything went black.

     When I woke, I woke in shock. I tried to look around, but my head felt completely restricted. Everything was pitch black and my throat was dry, though my arms had a certain amount of freedom. I balled my hand and punched forwards, my fist met with a dull thud. I started hyperventilating, scratching the back of the plaster, and screamed the muffled scream of a mouth contained.

09/06/2014

Answering Questions on Intelligence.

A Question I Was Recently Asked: 
"What Determines Intelligence?"

My Reply: 
Interesting question, and one that would elicit many different responses depending on whom you asked. That said, it isn't to say all of those responses wouldn't have similar patterns to them.

The interesting thing here is that intelligent, clever, smart, savvy, wise, bright, knowledgeable - they all mean completely different things. Though 'intelligent' seems to be the go-to phrase when we mean to talk about all of them, so let's work under that assumption. What makes some intelligent? Understanding. What is understanding? This is something I mentioned briefly in my 7th Introspection about introspection:

"Introspection is important. So important, in fact, I would suggest it is the separation between intelligent human beings and - to put it sensitively - those with no desire to learn. If sentience is judged by the ability to hold an understanding of our actions within our net of the world (as oppose to acting purely based on survival as non-human animals do), then surely up that scale is the ability to reflect upon yourself, and the reviewing of your own words, beliefs, actions to the greatest understanding."

That is to say, that when you learn things in certain ways - that builds to your own world view. You're able to see things in a certain way and evaluate other forms of knowledge as to their truth value depending on how well they fit into your world view. Someone who is intelligent will not only be able to reel off information about things they know, but admit what they do not know, whilst also coming to valid conclusions about those things they do not know, based on their world view. Of course the wise move after that is to do a bit of research and find out if you're right or not.

The key here is the application of the stuff that you know and being able to extend it to many situations. For example, if you learn about Pavlovian conditioning, then come across needing to train a Crocodile, you'd be a fool to think you were clever by applying that knowledge and end up trying to make the crocodile salivate for dog food. You'd need take a step back, figure out the Crocodile's stimulations, and then base your feeding and desired training around that. Applying the situation without having prior knowledge. (Crocodiles have incredibly sensitive touch to vibrations in the water, and not so in depth hearing. They wouldn't respond to commands, but systematic time based feeding could elicit certain behaviours from them, in case you were interested :P)

Think of it like this. People who do Physics are very clever at what they do. So they learn a few things in physics and they build a net of knowledge out of that, and they test all new theories against this net to see if it sticks. The problem here is all they have is a net of physics, and while it's a good net of physics, there's not much you can do with that net when you ignore certain other things like social skills, or art appreciation, or cookery. So you get two kinds of physicists like this, the ones who are arrogant because they think they know loads, then the ones who're aware that what they know is just specialist physics knowledge. Which of these do you think is more intelligent? The one who introspects.

You need to be able to know that you don't know things. Your net understanding of the world needs to accurately involve yourself, understanding the consequences of your own actions and the extent of what you are. Everyone always improves, and nobody ever knows enough, even on their death bed... so intelligence can only be determined by both what someone actually knows ('knowing' is a complicated process of Epistemology on it's own. We'll ignore that for now.) and their ability to learn.

This isn't a new idea at all. Dawkins suggests that humans are separated from animals because we're capable to understanding ourselves within our net of the world. And it's as far back as Socrates who points out '...I only know that I know nothing.' Meaning the first step to being clever is to view yourself and then understand the extent of how little you know. From there, it's an upwards curve of a mostly humble desire to learn.

Furthermore, someone with a lot of arrogance about their knowledge is significantly less intelligent than they think they are. This is because you need to cast off your arrogance to be able to fully learn, because the second you truly think you know loads of things, you stop improving, or striving to do so.

As a final note, being intelligent isn't judged the same across the board. People are every bit their potential as they are the skills they already have. For someone young, say 16-17, it's a matter of their capability to introspect, desire to learn and potential to understand - as opposed to being judged on the things they have already learned, and their world view.

Hope this helps!

25/05/2014

I Have a Degree!

     Hello, friends.

     This post will simply be an update to say what's happening, why I'm not posting as much and what will be coming next.

     First things first, I have finished my degree. I don't know what grade I have officially, but it's a good one - I know that much. Above all else, the grade doesn't matter as much as the references I'll get from my lecturers, so the important thing is that I have completed a philosophy degree and so can technically be called a 'philosopher', can be quoted as a philosopher, and other such awesome things. I've learned a lot over the past three years, both academically and personally, I've learned a significant amount about writing, too. So hopefully the improvements will be reflected in my work yet to come.

     I will be writing a few short stories, to practice for my novel which I will start in a few months time, and most of the things I do before then will be posted on here for everyone to read. So, that's awesome.

     What it will mean is that the posts here will not be as consistent as they have been for the past few months, though the quality of the content will likely be improved in general because I will be posting actual works. I'm currently working with a few friends on potentially making some kind of a video out of one of my short stories, and I will be doing some voice / video recording of my poetry and non-fiction in the near future to be posted here and on YouTube.

     So thanks in advance for sticking with me, I hope you enjoy, and please, please, please - I implore you - to share and comment and "+1" my work - because it literally triples my views and things. If you like it, and appreciate me - it's no effort for you, at all, and it helps me greater than you could realise, so I'll be very thankful if you could help me in this regard.

     Also, I'll be looking for bits and bobs with 'journalism' work, so if anyone knows anything, or anyone, to do with this, send it my way. I might be able to make a bit of money out of it!

     Thanks a bundle, and ciao for now!

10/05/2014

Introspection #7: Introspection

     I have to ask myself with these introspections, why am I doing it? What is the idea behind mapping out my individual viewpoints, and when I put them together, will it really form a basis for my world view? I concluded, however, that most of the reasons why I am doing it are purely for myself - so I have a record of my mindset at this time, I have a greater understanding of where my morals lie, and together, it gives a huge insight to who I am as a person. This, in turn, teaches me were I should focus my desire to learn and improve.

     Introspection is important. So important, in fact, I would suggest it is the separation between intelligent human beings and - to put it sensitively - those with no desire to learn. If sentience is judged by the ability to hold an understanding of our actions within our net of the world (as oppose to acting purely based on survival as non-human animals do), then surely up that scale is the ability to reflect upon yourself, and the reviewing of your own words, beliefs, actions to the greatest understanding.

     One who is capable of introspection may often come across thoughts such as, 'You can't honestly believe that?' or 'You must know why what you've said is wrong...' because more people lack introspection than we would like to believe. To our own fault entirely, it becomes virtually impossible to imagine being without it.

     Do I feel superior to people who are incapable of introspection? Well, I should do, these people make wrong turns and are the cause of most of the world's problems through a hive-mind of broken standards. Whereas people who are capable of introspection are great artists, and philosophers, and influential people... however, they are also psychopaths, and leaders who initiate wars and create the rest of the worlds problems to a potentially more threatening aspect.

     So really, do I feel superior? Perhaps not. It all boils down to the one question that I haven't quite figured out: "Is it really better to be Socrates dissatisfied or a fool satisfied?" - It is wonderful, and often useful, to be capable of deeper thought, but with these thoughts comes noticing all the bad in the world, clouded dark thoughts of death and the inconsolable feeling of vulnerability and despite knowing the problems of the world, we are merely incapable in such a short life to truly do anything about them.

     So, is it better to be happy, or clever? Right (within reason), or content? It's why I don't push my beliefs on others, because if they're happy, it doesn't matter if I disagree with them - I am so unimportant in comparison and without a guarantee I'm even correct. So, rather, I shall merely use introspection as a way to track the way I currently think the world works and then strive to improve myself, or at least satiate my desire for happiness, and, if you find what I say interesting or helpful, you're welcome along for the ride; we can be alone together.

     ...I try to be the person I'll be happy I was. I am not restricted by any standards, I am entirely free. I'm not lonely, but I'm thoroughly alone. All my feelings are entirely my own fault, I will not apologise for yours. If this is all there is, then it's the most important thing possible. Death motivates me to live long, happiness motivates me to act against expectations and introspection motivates me to be a good person.

     I guess, as hard as I am to know, the core of my entire being is nut-shelled in that single paragraph. Has my introspection been successful? To me, yes... to you readers, well, that's up to you.

08/05/2014

Introspection #6: Motivation

     Sex and death. Sex and death. Death is coming, so quick, have sex!

     These seem to be the two great motivators in life. One of them I am certainly motivated by... Death being my motivation to survive. Sex, however, as a motivational force is something I've largely avoided. Mostly because there are more important things than the seeking of a temporary base pleasure as a method of wasting time before our inevitable deaths. ("Well, when you put it like that...") Better to have greater motivations... right?

     Well, maybe my line on this is a blunt one. It's just that, sexual motivation in the wrong mindset leads to things like rape, which is basically one of the most abhorrent things someone can do. Someone can be so motivated by sexual desire that it ceases to matter whether the other person also wants it. It's a fucked up mentality focused on something so unimportant. Sex is nice, but that's all it is - you should simply never act with such a selfish intention that sex may be the consequence. Sex happens anyway, without you specifically pushing towards it, and you don't have to lie or mentally scar people over it.

     Then, of course, there's the people who do think having constant strings of sex is what they want, and well, that's fine, too. Don't let me to be the one to tell you otherwise... just, be responsible and do it genuinely, without deceit... So long as it actually makes you happy.

     In the same way that I see through sex as a base process and not the be-all and end-all of living, there, then, is the other desire - that of love. Love... also isn't ideal, to be honest. It does get in the way, it can very much hinder who you are or what you want to do if you go about it wrong. Yet, it is a much desired thing, an overwhelming idea that love is the goal of life: you work, you live, you survive and if you want to be happy you drop everything and fall in love. That's the belief isn't it? Well it is wrong; it is entirely possible to live a happy life without seeking love, or being in it. If you don't want a relationship - that is fine, don't let the constant drones of 'why are you still single?' fool you otherwise.

    Yet, while I do not seek love as a motivation - if it was presented in front of me, would I make the choice to embrace it, even if it were to hinder what I want out of life and the goals I want to achieve? I honestly don't know. It feels more like a 'back-up' happiness, but a warm and fuzzy one. It simply annoys me that even though I see through it for what it is worth and have much higher goals, I am not exempt from the desire of love.

     ...It is not only worthy of note, but rather a necessity in understanding human actions, that our motivations are at the core of everything we do. So, suffice to say, happiness is the biggest motivator of all, as a thing we all desire. Sometimes, though, it is fatally difficult to distinguish between what you think will make you happy, and what will actually make you happy. What are simple pleasures, and what are more complex notions of 'the good'.

      I've said no to friends because I didn't think their suggestion was wise. I've said no to sex because I believed it was not in our best interests; friends and mutual respect being more important. I've said no to drugs, because it's no better than pretend pleasure to mask the fear of death; inhibiting my life's goals. I've said no to good opportunities that I think will lead to fewer consequential opportunities. Am I happier for it? Not a clue, but I'm hopefully a good person, still.

     So, I'm still trying to figure all of my motivations out, but I've got a good basis. Death motivates me to live long, happiness motivates me to act against expectations and introspection motivates me to be a good person.

06/05/2014

Introspection #5: Death

     If you have to keep reminding yourself that you don't fear death, is it true?

     Everyone who is not already dead is dying. We are all going to die, and that really sucks. I mean, population overloading also sucks, but I don't want to die. I don't deserve to die; I am a good person. There are people who do deserve death, I think... Maybe... How bad is death, really?

     If it is coming anyway, surely it is worse to suffer a life of harm first, as the death is always there. But if we adhere to the notion that being alive is worthless until our inevitable end, what is the problem with it ending now instead? I mean, apart from all of the good that will come of my life deserving to happen and the potential ripples of negativity that my death will bring, and the loss of potential positive influence I can bring to others... how much is that worth?

     ...Guns scare me. There are many people who should not be allowed guns, and I am probably one of them. That terrifying and simple notion that one twitch of a finger could turn everything from me being 'someone who is' to me being 'someone who was'.

     Someone who was? Who used to be, but how long does that last? Any belief in an after-life is simply people avoiding their own fear of the void, but what of legacy? The legacy I leave can extend my life, can't it? I can never be immortal, but to every person who utters my name or makes a decision due to my influence... then I'm still alive.

     To lengthen my duration to the longest I can within my control, that's what drives me to live. But that's just me, I think anyone who fears death can find it to be their biggest driving force to live - because if this is all there is, then it's the most important thing possible.

     I do believe life is good. I probably believe if you're going to live a full life of harm, then death is better, but if there is any notion of pleasure in your life, then the pains are not worth avoiding. Experience is something we thrive on, we are built upon our experiences and use them for learning, and it's the bad experiences that emphasise the good. Aim to increase the good - something to focus on when times are unkind to you.

     Here's something to ponder... What do you call the time before you were born? To me, that is death, too. This death isn't upsetting, though, it's just a thing that was, something scarcely considered - so why do we worry about the death yet to come? It isn't a problem, it's just a thing that explains the time when you are not. But you are, so be! Right?

     I think of it like this... when I see a shooting star, do I get upset that it's gone - or do I marvel at it's flash? Quite simply, I am excited that I saw it, not upset that is was so short. The brightest of shines with an awe inspiring impact in the space of a breath. Before the experience I knew nothing, but after I am the better for it... And I want to be that. I don't want to fear death, I simply want my shine to have meant something.

     So, I don't fear death... Constantly, and specifically.

04/05/2014

Introspection #4: It's Your Fault

     It's all your fault.

     'Your' being the personal 'one's' fault. Everything you do, it's just your own fault.

     Now, obviously I am aware that some things cannot be helped, some things are done by others and you can't really do much about it. Bad things happen. Things are done to you. But your reactions, interactions, survival instincts, opinions, prejudices, feelings, actions, belief systems and notion of 'the good'. Those are all you. Or, I should say, me.

     Example. If I make a comment as a joke and have no intention of offending you and then you are offended - that is your fault you're offended. I have literally no reason to apologise. If I say something with the intention to offend you, the way you take that and react - also your fault.

     You are not responsible for other people's beliefs and opinions, but you can act accordingly. If someone holds a belief that offends you, feel free to be offended - but it's your fault you're offended. If you want to let it slide because their opinion doesn't matter, also all you. If someone does something bad to you, that is obviously their fault, but the way you deal with that is what makes you who you are.

      We have a certain amount of control over this, but it's the ability to look inside and understanding why we believe what we believe and how to act in the best way that is important. To do this, you have to understand that it's all only you. There are no real correct ways, just some that are probably better than others.

     So I don't blame others for their intentions or what they made me feel, I blame others for the way they act if that thing is an absolute. I get annoyed at them - understanding that I have let myself be annoyed. If offended, I understand why I am offended; they have no responsibility to apologise on my part for either of these things. This, again, is nothing new. It is simply freedom of speech, you have the right and entitlement to say and believe literally anything you want - but that doesn't mean people have to put up with your shit. If you say something wrong and everyone shuns you, that's your fault. Their reaction to shun you, that's their fault. Everything is on the self - get it?

     Nobody is exempt from influence. You cannot, though, be blamed for how other people act on your influence. If I murder because I watched a movie, that's my fault, not the movie. People are free to do as they will, which means anything you do is your fault, devoid of influences and motivations. Faulty thinking is your own fault, so stop shouting 'They started it!', or 'He said this!', or 'Look at what she's wearing!' and learn to realise that it's not them that's in the wrong.

     The world is a series of things that happen to me, and my respective responses to those things - the first is out of my control, the second is entirely me.