I Have a Degree!

     Hello, friends.

     This post will simply be an update to say what's happening, why I'm not posting as much and what will be coming next.

     First things first, I have finished my degree. I don't know what grade I have officially, but it's a good one - I know that much. Above all else, the grade doesn't matter as much as the references I'll get from my lecturers, so the important thing is that I have completed a philosophy degree and so can technically be called a 'philosopher', can be quoted as a philosopher, and other such awesome things. I've learned a lot over the past three years, both academically and personally, I've learned a significant amount about writing, too. So hopefully the improvements will be reflected in my work yet to come.

     I will be writing a few short stories, to practice for my novel which I will start in a few months time, and most of the things I do before then will be posted on here for everyone to read. So, that's awesome.

     What it will mean is that the posts here will not be as consistent as they have been for the past few months, though the quality of the content will likely be improved in general because I will be posting actual works. I'm currently working with a few friends on potentially making some kind of a video out of one of my short stories, and I will be doing some voice / video recording of my poetry and non-fiction in the near future to be posted here and on YouTube.

     So thanks in advance for sticking with me, I hope you enjoy, and please, please, please - I implore you - to share and comment and "+1" my work - because it literally triples my views and things. If you like it, and appreciate me - it's no effort for you, at all, and it helps me greater than you could realise, so I'll be very thankful if you could help me in this regard.

     Also, I'll be looking for bits and bobs with 'journalism' work, so if anyone knows anything, or anyone, to do with this, send it my way. I might be able to make a bit of money out of it!

     Thanks a bundle, and ciao for now!

Introspection #7: Introspection

     I have to ask myself with these introspections, why am I doing it? What is the idea behind mapping out my individual viewpoints, and when I put them together, will it really form a basis for my world view? I concluded, however, that most of the reasons why I am doing it are purely for myself - so I have a record of my mindset at this time, I have a greater understanding of where my morals lie, and together, it gives a huge insight to who I am as a person. This, in turn, teaches me were I should focus my desire to learn and improve.

     Introspection is important. So important, in fact, I would suggest it is the separation between intelligent human beings and - to put it sensitively - those with no desire to learn. If sentience is judged by the ability to hold an understanding of our actions within our net of the world (as oppose to acting purely based on survival as non-human animals do), then surely up that scale is the ability to reflect upon yourself, and the reviewing of your own words, beliefs, actions to the greatest understanding.

     One who is capable of introspection may often come across thoughts such as, 'You can't honestly believe that?' or 'You must know why what you've said is wrong...' because more people lack introspection than we would like to believe. To our own fault entirely, it becomes virtually impossible to imagine being without it.

     Do I feel superior to people who are incapable of introspection? Well, I should do, these people make wrong turns and are the cause of most of the world's problems through a hive-mind of broken standards. Whereas people who are capable of introspection are great artists, and philosophers, and influential people... however, they are also psychopaths, and leaders who initiate wars and create the rest of the worlds problems to a potentially more threatening aspect.

     So really, do I feel superior? Perhaps not. It all boils down to the one question that I haven't quite figured out: "Is it really better to be Socrates dissatisfied or a fool satisfied?" - It is wonderful, and often useful, to be capable of deeper thought, but with these thoughts comes noticing all the bad in the world, clouded dark thoughts of death and the inconsolable feeling of vulnerability and despite knowing the problems of the world, we are merely incapable in such a short life to truly do anything about them.

     So, is it better to be happy, or clever? Right (within reason), or content? It's why I don't push my beliefs on others, because if they're happy, it doesn't matter if I disagree with them - I am so unimportant in comparison and without a guarantee I'm even correct. So, rather, I shall merely use introspection as a way to track the way I currently think the world works and then strive to improve myself, or at least satiate my desire for happiness, and, if you find what I say interesting or helpful, you're welcome along for the ride; we can be alone together.

     ...I try to be the person I'll be happy I was. I am not restricted by any standards, I am entirely free. I'm not lonely, but I'm thoroughly alone. All my feelings are entirely my own fault, I will not apologise for yours. If this is all there is, then it's the most important thing possible. Death motivates me to live long, happiness motivates me to act against expectations and introspection motivates me to be a good person.

     I guess, as hard as I am to know, the core of my entire being is nut-shelled in that single paragraph. Has my introspection been successful? To me, yes... to you readers, well, that's up to you.

Introspection #6: Motivation

     Sex and death. Sex and death. Death is coming, so quick, have sex!

     These seem to be the two great motivators in life. One of them I am certainly motivated by... Death being my motivation to survive. Sex, however, as a motivational force is something I've largely avoided. Mostly because there are more important things than the seeking of a temporary base pleasure as a method of wasting time before our inevitable deaths. ("Well, when you put it like that...") Better to have greater motivations... right?

     Well, maybe my line on this is a blunt one. It's just that, sexual motivation in the wrong mindset leads to things like rape, which is basically one of the most abhorrent things someone can do. Someone can be so motivated by sexual desire that it ceases to matter whether the other person also wants it. It's a fucked up mentality focused on something so unimportant. Sex is nice, but that's all it is - you should simply never act with such a selfish intention that sex may be the consequence. Sex happens anyway, without you specifically pushing towards it, and you don't have to lie or mentally scar people over it.

     Then, of course, there's the people who do think having constant strings of sex is what they want, and well, that's fine, too. Don't let me to be the one to tell you otherwise... just, be responsible and do it genuinely, without deceit... So long as it actually makes you happy.

     In the same way that I see through sex as a base process and not the be-all and end-all of living, there, then, is the other desire - that of love. Love... also isn't ideal, to be honest. It does get in the way, it can very much hinder who you are or what you want to do if you go about it wrong. Yet, it is a much desired thing, an overwhelming idea that love is the goal of life: you work, you live, you survive and if you want to be happy you drop everything and fall in love. That's the belief isn't it? Well it is wrong; it is entirely possible to live a happy life without seeking love, or being in it. If you don't want a relationship - that is fine, don't let the constant drones of 'why are you still single?' fool you otherwise.

    Yet, while I do not seek love as a motivation - if it was presented in front of me, would I make the choice to embrace it, even if it were to hinder what I want out of life and the goals I want to achieve? I honestly don't know. It feels more like a 'back-up' happiness, but a warm and fuzzy one. It simply annoys me that even though I see through it for what it is worth and have much higher goals, I am not exempt from the desire of love.

     ...It is not only worthy of note, but rather a necessity in understanding human actions, that our motivations are at the core of everything we do. So, suffice to say, happiness is the biggest motivator of all, as a thing we all desire. Sometimes, though, it is fatally difficult to distinguish between what you think will make you happy, and what will actually make you happy. What are simple pleasures, and what are more complex notions of 'the good'.

      I've said no to friends because I didn't think their suggestion was wise. I've said no to sex because I believed it was not in our best interests; friends and mutual respect being more important. I've said no to drugs, because it's no better than pretend pleasure to mask the fear of death; inhibiting my life's goals. I've said no to good opportunities that I think will lead to fewer consequential opportunities. Am I happier for it? Not a clue, but I'm hopefully a good person, still.

     So, I'm still trying to figure all of my motivations out, but I've got a good basis. Death motivates me to live long, happiness motivates me to act against expectations and introspection motivates me to be a good person.

Introspection #5: Death

     If you have to keep reminding yourself that you don't fear death, is it true?

     Everyone who is not already dead is dying. We are all going to die, and that really sucks. I mean, population overloading also sucks, but I don't want to die. I don't deserve to die; I am a good person. There are people who do deserve death, I think... Maybe... How bad is death, really?

     If it is coming anyway, surely it is worse to suffer a life of harm first, as the death is always there. But if we adhere to the notion that being alive is worthless until our inevitable end, what is the problem with it ending now instead? I mean, apart from all of the good that will come of my life deserving to happen and the potential ripples of negativity that my death will bring, and the loss of potential positive influence I can bring to others... how much is that worth?

     ...Guns scare me. There are many people who should not be allowed guns, and I am probably one of them. That terrifying and simple notion that one twitch of a finger could turn everything from me being 'someone who is' to me being 'someone who was'.

     Someone who was? Who used to be, but how long does that last? Any belief in an after-life is simply people avoiding their own fear of the void, but what of legacy? The legacy I leave can extend my life, can't it? I can never be immortal, but to every person who utters my name or makes a decision due to my influence... then I'm still alive.

     To lengthen my duration to the longest I can within my control, that's what drives me to live. But that's just me, I think anyone who fears death can find it to be their biggest driving force to live - because if this is all there is, then it's the most important thing possible.

     I do believe life is good. I probably believe if you're going to live a full life of harm, then death is better, but if there is any notion of pleasure in your life, then the pains are not worth avoiding. Experience is something we thrive on, we are built upon our experiences and use them for learning, and it's the bad experiences that emphasise the good. Aim to increase the good - something to focus on when times are unkind to you.

     Here's something to ponder... What do you call the time before you were born? To me, that is death, too. This death isn't upsetting, though, it's just a thing that was, something scarcely considered - so why do we worry about the death yet to come? It isn't a problem, it's just a thing that explains the time when you are not. But you are, so be! Right?

     I think of it like this... when I see a shooting star, do I get upset that it's gone - or do I marvel at it's flash? Quite simply, I am excited that I saw it, not upset that is was so short. The brightest of shines with an awe inspiring impact in the space of a breath. Before the experience I knew nothing, but after I am the better for it... And I want to be that. I don't want to fear death, I simply want my shine to have meant something.

     So, I don't fear death... Constantly, and specifically.

Introspection #4: It's Your Fault

     It's all your fault.

     'Your' being the personal 'one's' fault. Everything you do, it's just your own fault.

     Now, obviously I am aware that some things cannot be helped, some things are done by others and you can't really do much about it. Bad things happen. Things are done to you. But your reactions, interactions, survival instincts, opinions, prejudices, feelings, actions, belief systems and notion of 'the good'. Those are all you. Or, I should say, me.

     Example. If I make a comment as a joke and have no intention of offending you and then you are offended - that is your fault you're offended. I have literally no reason to apologise. If I say something with the intention to offend you, the way you take that and react - also your fault.

     You are not responsible for other people's beliefs and opinions, but you can act accordingly. If someone holds a belief that offends you, feel free to be offended - but it's your fault you're offended. If you want to let it slide because their opinion doesn't matter, also all you. If someone does something bad to you, that is obviously their fault, but the way you deal with that is what makes you who you are.

      We have a certain amount of control over this, but it's the ability to look inside and understanding why we believe what we believe and how to act in the best way that is important. To do this, you have to understand that it's all only you. There are no real correct ways, just some that are probably better than others.

     So I don't blame others for their intentions or what they made me feel, I blame others for the way they act if that thing is an absolute. I get annoyed at them - understanding that I have let myself be annoyed. If offended, I understand why I am offended; they have no responsibility to apologise on my part for either of these things. This, again, is nothing new. It is simply freedom of speech, you have the right and entitlement to say and believe literally anything you want - but that doesn't mean people have to put up with your shit. If you say something wrong and everyone shuns you, that's your fault. Their reaction to shun you, that's their fault. Everything is on the self - get it?

     Nobody is exempt from influence. You cannot, though, be blamed for how other people act on your influence. If I murder because I watched a movie, that's my fault, not the movie. People are free to do as they will, which means anything you do is your fault, devoid of influences and motivations. Faulty thinking is your own fault, so stop shouting 'They started it!', or 'He said this!', or 'Look at what she's wearing!' and learn to realise that it's not them that's in the wrong.

     The world is a series of things that happen to me, and my respective responses to those things - the first is out of my control, the second is entirely me.

Introspection #3: Being Alone

     Let's start with some clarity: you are your mind, and not your body. You have exclusive access to your thoughts, and that is why you are alone. Being alone does not mean you are lonely, it just means you exist in places nobody else can reach.

     I have friends, some closer than others and I feel I am able to trust most of them - but largely they are separate in the ways in which I talk to them and present myself. This is why I thrive in one-on-one meetings with friends, as it seems to be the only way I can be myself.

     And yet, despite setting up all of these individual and personal relationships with people, I am thoroughly alone. I am a hard person to get to know, and I regularly keep people at arm's length if I have no need to get close to them, and more than anything that is a defence mechanism. I am a fan of solitude; nobody at all is with me often enough these days - but that wasn't always this way. I've always been like this inside, but throughout childhood I've always had one person who I've focused on more than any other, and I spent as much time as I could with that person. Now, I haven't had that person for years and I'm okay with that, but I get very distant.

     All I am describing, here, is introversion. An introvert isn't satisfied with having lots of people nearby, they are merely refreshed by semi-regular interpersonal relationships. So, this isn't a new notion, and it's not just me. But it's a very prominent aspect of my life that I've come to analyse often.

     I want to help people, I always will and have been there if anyone I know wants help in the form of just listening or giving advice, and I like to think I would get that in return. However, I fear seeking help and am never sure who to turn to - because as social as I am, I'm simply alone. I don't think anything will change that. When I'm feeling down is not a patch on people who are genuinely mentally ill or have real problems, so who am I to seek help simply because I've slipped into a dark place? I can manage alone, knowing I have people nearby if I ever do have real problems.

     Being alone isn't so bad. I just have people who remind me I'm not lonely, and that's okay.