Introspection #3: Being Alone

     Let's start with some clarity: you are your mind, and not your body. You have exclusive access to your thoughts, and that is why you are alone. Being alone does not mean you are lonely, it just means you exist in places nobody else can reach.

     I have friends, some closer than others and I feel I am able to trust most of them - but largely they are separate in the ways in which I talk to them and present myself. This is why I thrive in one-on-one meetings with friends, as it seems to be the only way I can be myself.

     And yet, despite setting up all of these individual and personal relationships with people, I am thoroughly alone. I am a hard person to get to know, and I regularly keep people at arm's length if I have no need to get close to them, and more than anything that is a defence mechanism. I am a fan of solitude; nobody at all is with me often enough these days - but that wasn't always this way. I've always been like this inside, but throughout childhood I've always had one person who I've focused on more than any other, and I spent as much time as I could with that person. Now, I haven't had that person for years and I'm okay with that, but I get very distant.

     All I am describing, here, is introversion. An introvert isn't satisfied with having lots of people nearby, they are merely refreshed by semi-regular interpersonal relationships. So, this isn't a new notion, and it's not just me. But it's a very prominent aspect of my life that I've come to analyse often.

     I want to help people, I always will and have been there if anyone I know wants help in the form of just listening or giving advice, and I like to think I would get that in return. However, I fear seeking help and am never sure who to turn to - because as social as I am, I'm simply alone. I don't think anything will change that. When I'm feeling down is not a patch on people who are genuinely mentally ill or have real problems, so who am I to seek help simply because I've slipped into a dark place? I can manage alone, knowing I have people nearby if I ever do have real problems.

     Being alone isn't so bad. I just have people who remind me I'm not lonely, and that's okay.